6/26/2007 1.0.5

• Split the CONDUCT AND CONTENT section into CONDUCT and CONTENT sections since they really have nothing to do with each other.
• Renamed the CONTENTS section to INGREDIENTS so it would not be confused with the new CONTENT section.
• Reword the thou-shalt-nots in the CONTENT section. Nothing about our implementation of this section or our views on what content is or is not acceptable is changing; this is just our annual effort to stay ahead of would-be-evildoers looking for loopholes in the wording.
• Add to the CONDUCT section a couple of things from the should-have-been-obvious department. (Don’t give out your login info and do not taunt happy fun tech!)
• Still chasing XHTML compliance.
• A couple of minor spelling and grammar fixes.

As far as policy changes, there really is not much to speak of. We will be thumping people slightly more vigorously in the future for giving out their login and password to others, because there is just no reason to do so and we always end up cleaning up the messes that result. Similarly, we can take the occasional criticism, and we know and use words from all spectrums of the English language, but the anti-taunting provisioning has been added so we have the appropriate ammunition to address the once-a-year-or-so case where somebody goes completely fruit loops. Like this person, who did not appreciate being asked to read the FAQ:

(bleep) you and your inadequacies turned vindictiveness. for real (bleep), (bleep) you cause you’re gonna (bleep) with my (bleep) cause you’re inept. i hope you get hit by the (bleep)ing bus (bleep).

(The full email from which this excerpt was taken, which was only one in a series, set the all-time single-email record for profanity and went on to a place of glory as the number two entry in our “Top Ten Funniest Support Emails” hall of fame.)

On a more serious note, I hate revising the TACOS. I hate how long they are already, and that every revision makes them a bit longer. I know in my heart that a lot of the world’s longest and most outlandish Terms of Service got that way one sentence at a time and that we must not let that happen here. I also know that as the length goes up, the number of people who read the TACOS goes down and members who don’t read the TACOS but agree to them anyway are letting the terrorists win.

So here’s hoping we can make it another year without touching them again, and that any change that would make them longer and more restrictive gets hit by the (bleep)ing bus, (bleep)!

From: sales@(sillyname).com
To: support@NearlyFreeSpeech.NET
Subject: Solutions to all your Hosting Problems Under One Roof

Hello,

We (sillynameremoved).com are in search of potential clients who need quality support of any kind for their hosting / online internet business, whether it has to be dealt with sales, support online chat etc.

[scary immediately: In search of potential clients…like what, search and destroy?]

We are in tech support for last two years. We can provide you with our technical support and also look after your sales and technical aspects at very low costing. Our techs are expertise in the Linux and windows platforms. [Too bad we don’t use either one!] We work 24×7 which makes 365 days online service for your customers.

We are privately held technical support provider [Read: nobody would buy us in a million years.] offering a quality performance for Web Hosting Company or other businesses. We work closely with our clients in the development of long-term support solution strategies that are practical, sustainable and clearly deliver a return on investment. We guarantee 100% customer satisfaction .and quality service and are available for our dear customer round the clock anytime they need it.

Our strengths lie in:

Our support technicians who are trained to Red hat and Microsoft Windows certified level who can give you quality flawless service. Our competitively priced and quality assured support solutions which suits and fits the best according to your needs. Our customer service, which is second to none [Read as: our customer service is worse than nothing!], giving our clients the peace of mind they need to be able to focus on developing their technology to add strategic value to their business. We believe in Fast Service, Availability, and Response for our clients. We cover sales, tech and billing support. We are also proficient in website moves from server to server.

What we would like to propose you is that, if you are in search of any such aspect please do let us know.. [Read as: I didn’t do any sales research or lead qualification, would you do it for me?] It would be a pleasure for us also for working with you as well..

Our Support personnel are well experienced with:

WHM/CPanel
Plesk
Ensim
H-Sphere
Webmin
Alabanza
Direct Admin
Hosting Controller
Helm
Etrinix Command Matrix

Common Web Server Issues:

httpd.conf problems
.htaccess errors
Password protection issues
Site oriented IP blocking issues
HostNameLookups
Mime types
Apache Handler problems
URL blocking and redirection issues
Secure Cert problems

Common system administration issues that will be handled for you:

Apache/IIS Web Server Operation and Configuration
Blocked Service Handling
Web Statistics Configuration

Log File Analysis
Security Management
Anti-trojan Protection
Firewall Configuration and Management
Kernel Patching and Upgrades
Spam Protection
Kernel Upgrades [Which is not the same as Kernel Patching and Upgrades!]

We are proficient in

Redhat
FreeBSD
Solaris
Debian
Mandrake
Windows 2000
Windows 2003 Server

Our technicians can effectively handle issues regarding the following mail servers/issues: [But not postfix, which it would have taken us several seconds to discover is what you use.]

Sendmail
Qmail
EXIM
SMTP issues
POP issues
POP-before-SMTP and relay denied issues
Mailing lists
Auto-responders
Client Setup
POP authorization
Anti-spam measures
Email filter issues with Procmail and .forward

Also if you can let us know when you will be available we could have a live chat conversation regarding the same… [How about never? Does never work for you?]

You can add us in your MSN (sillynameremoved)@hotmail.com , (sillynameremoved)@yahoo.com at yahoo messenger or (sillynameremoved) on Aim. [Thanks for the warning!] Also you can reply this email with any questions at sales@(sillynameremoved).com.

Regards,

(Name Removed),
Sales Operation Head,
(sillynameremoved).com

Email: sales@(sillynameremoved).com

Then, after all that, there’s the questionable wisdom of sending this directly to the department you’re hoping to replace.

(Some commentary contributed by Kirsten. Despite the entertaining grammar and word usage issues in this message, we refrained from calling them out because we do respect people who speak more than one langauge. Even so, we speak and provide support in fluent English, and this quality of translation only demonstrates how they prioritize that proficiency.)

Our industrious intern Thomas observes: “Look at their page. ‘Live chat Offline’ 24/7? Guess not… :-b”

Don’t worry! We’d never do anything like what’s proposed in this dreadful message. (And if the sender had cared enough to do even basic research about us, that would have been readily apparent.) So we didn’t do anything about it but point and laugh. We care about our members too much to subject them to “support” like this.

If this is the only post you see in a category, it just means the category hasn’t been assigned any real posts yet.